There once was a man in a towel
When seen he would scream like an owl
With his mighty red beard
And great wrath they all feared
He’d notice the hole in his towel
Author Archives: Bevin
Aside
This blanket is covered with ants
I’m inspired to wiggle and dance
My eyes are all wet
And I’m filled with regret
That I didn’t remember my pants
Aside
Wait! I wave my hands.
Abracadabra!
I have my own slice of pie.
Awaiting justice
What does it mean when I’m sad?
I’m out of Cheetos.
Why are you so late?
A miscommunication.
Awaiting justice.
A leaf that turns black,
Melodies that don’t resolve,
My cat feels like rage.
Aside
OMG! Honey Mustard & Onion Pretzel Pieces!
Why buy from the minibar when you can create your own?
Oh doomsayer, thy dismissal of hand is but mine only comfort…
It’s a hard thing when the one with the giant beard decides to make himself into a replica of the main character in the latest Great Sloths of Australia Taking Naps trilogy.
But one does what one can and overcomes such obstacles. Eventually. Maybe first, a bit of a lie down.
Hark! Dost thou hear the quiet rustling of polyester pants?
There are times when you know exactly where your life is going.
Other times things get a bit fuzzy.
Today I am firmly planted into Category #1, watching Antiques Roadshow.
(I cannot be faulted as the appraiser is currently wearing a plaid suit.)
Who wants to achieve things when all you have to do is think about them?
Once a year I work towards a singular goal:
Finding a goal.
When that doesn’t work, I often turn to that stuff in the cupboard that looks like butter and is made of peanuts. What’s that called again?? It’s the one thing that can wrangle my focus away from those blurry objects that just refuse to sharpen up, dammit!
One day, after all of this is over I will finally have some peace. Let’s just hope that on that day we’re in the kind of world where Hostess cupcakes still exist.
Thoughts on a Saturday about a Tuesday
Once an occurrence has occurred, it occurs to me that occurrences are often… occurrent… with other occurrences.
This thought lead me to the idea that:
1. Snails sneak more than most non-marine life,
2. Wind power isn’t as useful when you’re trying to invigorate your local quern stone.
Well done all! Back to work.
Anarchaos – Curt Clark
When this book was published it cost 40¢. Let’s see what it’s worth at the end shall we?
The cover is all flame and orange and yellow and zooming contrails + the main character’s name is Rolf Malone + chapter breaks are written in roman numerals. Presumption = brilliant.
Truth be told, I read this book for two reasons:
1) I had to make the decision to get rid of it (it’s only 143 pages),
2) The front cover tagline says,
On a world where nothing was illegal, the only crime was to be killed.
Can I pass that up? I think not!
The story starts out pretty well– our temper-ridden ex-con named Rolf is off to visit his do-no-wrong brother on one of the worst planets humans have decided to colonize. You see, this planet was born out of anarchistic ideals where one is out only for themselves. Syndicates created to provide services in exchange for goods have since collapsed due to (what ELSE?!) corporate takeover, so most of the planet lives in squalor killing and stealing to survive.
Of course, we find all of this out after our Plucky Ex-con™ suddenly kills his chauffeur. With his belt. Huh.
Turns out that the do-no-wrong brother was recently killed, and Plucky Ex-con™ now is on a mission of vengeance to Damn Well Find Out Who Did It.
What’s weird about this book is the character’s journey. On the one hand he’s Bad Ass enough that he can KILL A GUY WITH HIS BELT, but on the other he gets CAPTURED AS A SLAVE for FOUR YEARS and slowly loses his mind to numbness and drudgery. All throughout it’s as though things are happening to him, meanwhile he struggles with the idea that he no longer cares to survive. It’s not as though he voluntarily visited a planet with a 76% “What Ho! He’s gone missing– might he be dead good sir?” Return Rate™.
In the end Things™ continue to happen to him and our Plucky Ex-con™ continues to be iffy about it all. What is the reader supposed to do with that?
And here’s the really weird bit: at one point a character consoles himself with thoughts of his coming pension. But, but… I THOUGHT THIS WAS AN ANARCHISTIC SOCIETY? Since when is a corporation on a planet with no laws going to dole out pensions? Color me confused. I mean, if you’re going to go for a pension I think the most you can call yourself is Libertarian.
I will not give away the strange, detached ending that our Plucky Ex-con™ withstands except to say this: He makes a choice that has ramifications for the entire world because he feels that their system of government (or lack thereof in this case) is wrought with flaws and… bad morals? Something like that anyway.
But enough of that, it’s all a bit dreary isn’t it? Time for some scones, which we all deserve as this review is almost as long as the book itself.
CONCLUSION: SELL. TRY TO GET AT LEAST 30¢ FOR IT.
Best quote from the book:
Lingo looked like a shaved gorilla, wearing sunglasses and fondling an automatic rifle.
Mammoth – John Varley
So here we are again.
This time, our Intrepid Reviewer™ is reviving books from the dead to give them one last, hard look (before chucking them into either the featherbed or the furnace). Today we have Mammoth by John Varley– a book that I would argue doesn’t need much remembering due to the LARGE FUCKING MAMMOTH on the cover.
I mean, once you see that you have to read the damn thing don’t you? Some books just compel you to open them, almost as though they were controlling your mind…
Ahem. Essentially this is a book about time travel.
Wait. I mean, this is a book about being careful what you wish for.
Crap. It’s a book about someone named Susan?
This is what happens when you don’t write reviews right away, kiSTAY AWAY FROM DRUGSds. You end up forgetting most of the book like I have.
Was this book notable? I think not. It’s hard for me to get all emotional about characters named Howard, Matt and Susan. It just sounds as though a kiSTAY AWAY FROM DRUGSds TV program sponsored the book and wrote the plot pro bono. But hey, there is a mammoth named Little Fuzzy, a guy who travels back in time, cloning, and mammoths who get stuck in tar pits so it can’t be all bad. I’d just have to remember it first.
CONCLUSION: DRUG-FREE ZONE. SELL.
Best quote from the book:
Jack hurried out of the pit, flew up two flights of stairs, tried to walk calmly down the hallway but ended up almost running, slammed into the outside door, walked to his car, got in, headed for the exit at the posted limit of 15 mph, slowed down and waved his gate pass and smiled at Harry, who smiled and waved back … then frowned.