Time Blender – Michael Dorn

It’s WORF right? How could I possibly NOT read this book? So it’s been on my shelf for quite some time now, waiting to be read. In the first paragraph we find out that our character is black, handsome, academic, athletic, and troubled. (Several paragraphs later we discover that “troubled” comes from being an ex bomber pilot who dropped a 2000lb bomb on a building that turned out to be full of children. Also, that our academic, handsome, black, athletic hero was too much of a he-man to be able to stomach seeing a counselor for what sounds like a pretty run-of-the-mill case of PTSD.)

The best part about this book is how our character (along with several others) just manages to deal with anything. If a horde of chopstick-wielding velociraptors came parachuting out of the sky I believe our hero would take it in stride an ask them where the nearest chinese buffet was. Admittedly he does have to deal with some weird shit, but it never seems to take it’s toll.

Here’s a good example of how our intrepid little hero deals with things:

Samurai Warriors.
Samurai Warriors chasing a group of primitive Celts.
And the whole melee was headed straight at him.
There is a time to analyze and wonder, and a time to run for you life. Miller had absolutely no doubt that right now was a prime example of the second option. He turned and ran for the plane.

(It’s worth noting that shortly thereafter Bagpipes become involved. With gems like this, what’s not to love?)

A rousing tale of the adventures of archeologist Tony Miller, the first 25 pages seem a bit slow, but after that it never… stops… being… strange… If you read the cover page you find out that Dorn was only one of three credited authors for the book, something I didn’t know until I’d gotten to the end. Knowing that certainly clears things up a bit though, and I now have a reasonably good guess how the book was written: Each author took turns writing. And then they chose a schizophrenic ADD crack addict as an editor. I did find out an interesting thing about the co-authors though. From the GoodReads page for Jeff Lindsay:

Jeff Lindsay is the pen name of an American crime writer, Jeffry P. Freundlich, who lives in Cape Coral, Florida with his wife, author Hilary Hemingway, daughter of Leicester Hemingway, Ernest Hemingway’s brother.

Lindsay is best known for writing the Dexter series of novels. Many of his earlier published works include his wife as a co-author. Time Blender was written with Michael Dorn. He graduated from Middlebury College, Vermont, in 1975.

So this was co-written by the guy who wrote Dexter, and his wife. (Who happens to be the niece of Ernest Hemingway?!) That really surprised me. Now I really want to know what the writing process on this one looked like!

None of this is to say that I didn’t enjoy the book. I mean, in the last 25 pages the hero of this adventure finds out that the choice he has to make (allegedly to save all of the world and time itself!) isn’t nearly as simple or straightforward as he had been led to believe! New adventures await, exciting decisions are coming! The book ends! Book two was never written! Aaaargh! But what happened to Osiris the god of the dead, the giant quasi-friendly shark, the horde of druids, or the beautiful naked polynesian girl from the undiscovered island of doom? (Dr. Who would never let time get this unbalanced and rickety!)

Thanks. I can’t decide what’s worse, the mediocre execution of a really enjoyable idea, or the cliffhanger that never ends.

In the end, the novelty factor doesn’t make it worth keeping around, but if you have 2 hours to kill sometime and this book just happens to be lying in a pile somewhere there are certainly worse things you could read. I’d give it a good solid 3 out of 5 stars. Reading this book is basically be like watching the entirety of Star Trek: The Next Generation all smashed together, but it won’t take you nearly as long.