Category Archives: Reviews

This book isn’t actually mine, it was loaned to me by one of the nurses at my allergy clinic, and boy does it ever illustrate why I like hard-copy books and the people who say “I think you’ll love to read this”. Are you a fan of British television, humor, or culture in general? Then I highly recommend this book as it will give you some startling insights! After reading this book I feel like I have a better grasp of the culture and comedy in British shows that I watch. I have to say that I’m even more confused about cricket though.

The chapters on the House of Commons and the House of Lords are amazing, just amazing! The chapter about the newspaper industry is terrifying. Some of the things that amuse me so greatly about British humor appear to actually happen in real life as well, such as the following correction in a newspaper:

Yesterday was Wednesday, despite an assertion that it was once again Tuesday.

There are a lot of interesting observations though. I didn’t know that the illusionist David Blaine did so poorly in the UK, but apparently people who are confident and show-offish about themselves are really not looked on too kindly! Taunting a man locking himself in a box without food for a week with hamburgers hung beneath RC helicopters is both rather cruel, and really rather amusing.

I want to remember reading this book, because if I ever go to the UK I’m going to want to re-read it as a refresher course. As similar as we like to think we are to each other this book left me feeling that were I to go to the UK that driving on the wrong side of the road would be one of the more normal feeling things going on, and I think I’d need some additional help in becoming mentally prepared for dealing with the place. This book really seems like an interesting start to that.

I’m still seriously confused about cricket however.

In which I review not one, but TWO books, both by James Morrow.

Bible Stories for Adults

A series of short-ish stories always makes for an interesting review. The first story, “The Deluge”, was great, (It won a Nebula, it would sort of have to be!) but I have to admit I felt a bit mixed about some of the rest of them. I suppose I was expecting something more like Lamb, however one should really not go into something with expectations like that. The parody/alternate history stories like “Deluge”, “The Tower” and “Abe Lincon at McDonalds” will leave you wondering “what if”, and the philosophical stories like “Assemblage of Kristin” and “Diary of a Mad Deity” will leave you wondering what just happened. You know, in that good way where you aren’t quite sure where you are but you feel like the trip to get there must have been quite fun?

Some of the stories feel like you probably need to know the actual bible story. I’m not sure “Soap Opera” would be as good if you didn’t know the story of Job. Most of them though require no previous knowledge. The Covenant, probably my favorite story in the book, is an interesting analysis of the ten commandments and what the world might be if they had not yet been made public. “These rules are not worthy of you!”

Every one of these stories is thought provoking. Did I enjoy them as much as I thought I would based on the reviews I’d been given? Sadly no, as I was expecting more Christopher-Moore-slash-Tom-Holt style writing. I was left feeling thoughtful, but not like I immediately needed to read again to understand whatever it is I missed. Based on these stories I would say there is one thing James Morrow knows how to do exceptionally well: get his point across.

I would definitely recommend reading. I may even re-read someday. For now though, I think I know someone who will quite enjoy this book, I think I’ll give it to them!

Towing Jehovah

The plot is explained in the first few pages thusly:

“Our mutual Creator has passed away,” sad Raphael with a sigh compounded of pain, exhaustion, and grief.
“What?”
“God Died.”
Anthony took an involuntary step backward. “That’s crazy.”
“Died and fell into the sea.” Raphael clamped his cold fingers around the tattooed mermaid on Anthony’s naked forearm and abruptly drew him closer. “List carefully, Captain Van Horne. You’re going to get your ship back.”

So… What happens when god dies, his corporeal form falls into the ocean, the angels are literally dying of despair, and the vatican’s chief particle physicist goes riding on a supertanker captained by an infamous tanker captain out to the body? This book has it all, angels, bi-planes, cruise missiles, warped reality, and a recipe for Dieu Bourguignon.

I think perhaps Morrow’s pacing takes a bit of getting used to, but boy is it worth it. Ever asked yourself what happens to the world when god dies? More importantly, what happens to people when faced with incontrovertible proof that the god they may or may not have believed in is dead?

Believe me, the ending is worth it. Well, the almost ending. I really do think it’s Morrow’s pacing that throws me off. The extra bits make the world believable, but sometimes it feels like they lessen the impact of what he’s telling you. Once again though, I feel like I GOT? it. I know what he’s saying, I understand, and I’m not sure reading it again would do much more for me. Maybe that’s good in a book sometimes, but I’m really rather fond of that feeling that I should pick it up again and see if I can squeeze just a little more out of it. I don’t think I can however, and while I may read it someday in the far future, I think my plan for this one is once again going to be to give it to someone who I think will also enjoy it.

“Have you even waltzed naked in God’s navel Tom?”

The story starts with our hero on the slopes of Mt. Olympus, the largest volcano in the solar system…

Oh wait, no it doesn’t. In fact I have a hard time recalling if the venerable mountain was even mentioned before one of the characters began to climb it in the last 10 or so pages of the book.

Ah well, what’s in a name right? Kevin J. Anderson writes a pretty reasonable novel in my experience, and this one doesn’t let you down. Sort of the typical monster-of-the-week style story with the your average characters, and no real crazy plot-twists to throw you overboard, this one is a fun read. Poul Anderson did a quote for the cover:

An exciting story… one feels that this may very well be the way the conquest of Mars will happen.

Gotta agree. Unfortunately not much more to say. I enjoyed reading it, but I’m done reading it now and it doesn’t have anything else to offer me. I don’t even have a particularly memorable quote. With a very human quality to the characters, and an arid and dead feeling to the planet, it’s a gritty and realistic tale of homesteading the martian plain. Now, off to powells we go for a trade-in!

When this book was published it cost 40¢. Let’s see what it’s worth at the end shall we?

The cover is all flame and orange and yellow and zooming contrails + the main character’s name is Rolf Malone + chapter breaks are written in roman numerals. Presumption = brilliant.

Truth be told, I read this book for two reasons:

1) I had to make the decision to get rid of it (it’s only 143 pages),
2) The front cover tagline says,

On a world where nothing was illegal, the only crime was to be killed.

Can I pass that up? I think not!

The story starts out pretty well– our temper-ridden ex-con named Rolf is off to visit his do-no-wrong brother on one of the worst planets humans have decided to colonize. You see, this planet was born out of anarchistic ideals where one is out only for themselves. Syndicates created to provide services in exchange for goods have since collapsed due to (what ELSE?!) corporate takeover, so most of the planet lives in squalor killing and stealing to survive.

Of course, we find all of this out after our Plucky Ex-con™ suddenly kills his chauffeur. With his belt. Huh.

Turns out that the do-no-wrong brother was recently killed, and Plucky Ex-con™ now is on a mission of vengeance to Damn Well Find Out Who Did It.

What’s weird about this book is the character’s journey. On the one hand he’s Bad Ass enough that he can KILL A GUY WITH HIS BELT, but on the other he gets CAPTURED AS A SLAVE for FOUR YEARS and slowly loses his mind to numbness and drudgery. All throughout it’s as though things are happening to him, meanwhile he struggles with the idea that he no longer cares to survive. It’s not as though he voluntarily visited a planet with a 76% “What Ho! He’s gone missing– might he be dead good sir?” Return Rate™.

In the end Things™ continue to happen to him and our Plucky Ex-con™ continues to be iffy about it all. What is the reader supposed to do with that?

And here’s the really weird bit: at one point a character consoles himself with thoughts of his coming pension. But, but… I THOUGHT THIS WAS AN ANARCHISTIC SOCIETY? Since when is a corporation on a planet with no laws going to dole out pensions? Color me confused. I mean, if you’re going to go for a pension I think the most you can call yourself is Libertarian.

I will not give away the strange, detached ending that our Plucky Ex-con™ withstands except to say this: He makes a choice that has ramifications for the entire world because he feels that their system of government (or lack thereof in this case) is wrought with flaws and… bad morals? Something like that anyway.

But enough of that, it’s all a bit dreary isn’t it? Time for some scones, which we all deserve as this review is almost as long as the book itself.

CONCLUSION: SELL. TRY TO GET AT LEAST 30¢ FOR IT.

Best quote from the book:

Lingo looked like a shaved gorilla, wearing sunglasses and fondling an automatic rifle.

It’s WORF right? How could I possibly NOT read this book? So it’s been on my shelf for quite some time now, waiting to be read. In the first paragraph we find out that our character is black, handsome, academic, athletic, and troubled. (Several paragraphs later we discover that “troubled” comes from being an ex bomber pilot who dropped a 2000lb bomb on a building that turned out to be full of children. Also, that our academic, handsome, black, athletic hero was too much of a he-man to be able to stomach seeing a counselor for what sounds like a pretty run-of-the-mill case of PTSD.)

The best part about this book is how our character (along with several others) just manages to deal with anything. If a horde of chopstick-wielding velociraptors came parachuting out of the sky I believe our hero would take it in stride an ask them where the nearest chinese buffet was. Admittedly he does have to deal with some weird shit, but it never seems to take it’s toll.

Here’s a good example of how our intrepid little hero deals with things:

Samurai Warriors.
Samurai Warriors chasing a group of primitive Celts.
And the whole melee was headed straight at him.
There is a time to analyze and wonder, and a time to run for you life. Miller had absolutely no doubt that right now was a prime example of the second option. He turned and ran for the plane.

(It’s worth noting that shortly thereafter Bagpipes become involved. With gems like this, what’s not to love?)

A rousing tale of the adventures of archeologist Tony Miller, the first 25 pages seem a bit slow, but after that it never… stops… being… strange… If you read the cover page you find out that Dorn was only one of three credited authors for the book, something I didn’t know until I’d gotten to the end. Knowing that certainly clears things up a bit though, and I now have a reasonably good guess how the book was written: Each author took turns writing. And then they chose a schizophrenic ADD crack addict as an editor. I did find out an interesting thing about the co-authors though. From the GoodReads page for Jeff Lindsay:

Jeff Lindsay is the pen name of an American crime writer, Jeffry P. Freundlich, who lives in Cape Coral, Florida with his wife, author Hilary Hemingway, daughter of Leicester Hemingway, Ernest Hemingway’s brother.

Lindsay is best known for writing the Dexter series of novels. Many of his earlier published works include his wife as a co-author. Time Blender was written with Michael Dorn. He graduated from Middlebury College, Vermont, in 1975.

So this was co-written by the guy who wrote Dexter, and his wife. (Who happens to be the niece of Ernest Hemingway?!) That really surprised me. Now I really want to know what the writing process on this one looked like!

None of this is to say that I didn’t enjoy the book. I mean, in the last 25 pages the hero of this adventure finds out that the choice he has to make (allegedly to save all of the world and time itself!) isn’t nearly as simple or straightforward as he had been led to believe! New adventures await, exciting decisions are coming! The book ends! Book two was never written! Aaaargh! But what happened to Osiris the god of the dead, the giant quasi-friendly shark, the horde of druids, or the beautiful naked polynesian girl from the undiscovered island of doom? (Dr. Who would never let time get this unbalanced and rickety!)

Thanks. I can’t decide what’s worse, the mediocre execution of a really enjoyable idea, or the cliffhanger that never ends.

In the end, the novelty factor doesn’t make it worth keeping around, but if you have 2 hours to kill sometime and this book just happens to be lying in a pile somewhere there are certainly worse things you could read. I’d give it a good solid 3 out of 5 stars. Reading this book is basically be like watching the entirety of Star Trek: The Next Generation all smashed together, but it won’t take you nearly as long.

So here we are again.

This time, our Intrepid Reviewer™ is reviving books from the dead to give them one last, hard look (before chucking them into either the featherbed or the furnace). Today we have Mammoth by John Varley– a book that I would argue doesn’t need much remembering due to the LARGE FUCKING MAMMOTH on the cover.

I mean, once you see that you have to read the damn thing don’t you? Some books just compel you to open them, almost as though they were controlling your mind…

Ahem. Essentially this is a book about time travel.

Wait. I mean, this is a book about being careful what you wish for.

Crap. It’s a book about someone named Susan?

This is what happens when you don’t write reviews right away, kiSTAY AWAY FROM DRUGSds. You end up forgetting most of the book like I have.

Was this book notable? I think not. It’s hard for me to get all emotional about characters named Howard, Matt and Susan. It just sounds as though a kiSTAY AWAY FROM DRUGSds TV program sponsored the book and wrote the plot pro bono. But hey, there is a mammoth named Little Fuzzy, a guy who travels back in time, cloning, and mammoths who get stuck in tar pits so it can’t be all bad. I’d just have to remember it first.

CONCLUSION: DRUG-FREE ZONE. SELL.

Best quote from the book:

Jack hurried out of the pit, flew up two flights of stairs, tried to walk calmly down the hallway but ended up almost running, slammed into the outside door, walked to his car, got in, headed for the exit at the posted limit of 15 mph, slowed down and waved his gate pass and smiled at Harry, who smiled and waved back … then frowned.